A Rant

I love the man, I really do, but I just can't take it.



The past month or two, I couldn't figure out what was going on - I would get on my broomstick every morning and fly to work, then come home and be totally, um, witchy. I've been depressed, exhausted, and moody, totally unable to concentrate, and I actually started worrying about my mental health. I went to the doctor and got a prescription for ambien and wellbutrin, thinking that maybe I was having biochemical problems with depression or something, especially when I put all of my symptoms together.

I am the kind of the person who can sleep through almost anything and not wake up, but once I am awake, then it's over - no going back to sleep for me. I guess that's what has made it so hard for me to figure out just what has been going on. I wouldn't wake up enough to realize just what was happening on the other side of the bed.

Last night was my second night with sleeping pills, and I really did expect to get a good night's sleep for a change. I even suspected that I had been *dreaming* that I was waking up. After all, I was taking a SLEEPING PILL, for God's sake! Anyway, last night before I went to bed, I was pretty determined that I was going to make sure that I was really waking up and not just imagining things. So at one this morning when I looked at the clock, I made sure to roll over and rationally evaluate, "Yep, I am awake." I managed to go back to sleep that time, but when I woke up the second time at 2:45, I wasn't as lucky. I lay there and listed to the snorting, snorting, moan-and-groaning (complete with roll-over motion) until I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and went to try to go back to sleep on the couch, but it was just too late - I was really, really awake. (Did I mention that he puts out so much heat that I cook every night? Body heat isn't just it, either - we have an electric blanket with dual controls, and he cranks his side up then radiates heat like a furnace.)

I used to wonder why older couples would have separate bedrooms or even separate beds. I used to love to snuggle up to DH, and now I am wondering if I am ever going to be able to sleep in the bed with him again, especially since this has been going on SO long and it's been so bad that I have gone to the doctor to get MEDICATED to deal with the effects of it.

Geez. I dunno what I am going to do!!!!

Time Marches On - Day 193

Yes, time keeps moving, and the scales barely do. Still, husband tells me not to complain as I am going down in measurements and sizes. Being a woman, however, gives me a license, and I plan to take full advantage of that, even if it is only here.

I did quit smoking, and it was not very pleasant, as I am sure you can imagine. I used Chantix and quit smoking after about four days on the meds. I took the pills for just a little over two weeks, until feeling like a poster child for unwanted side-effects, I put the pills to the side and decided to weather it out all on my own. After all, two weeks of not should be enough to break the cycle, right?

Side effects, you ask? Ewwww.... they were monstrous! I was exhausted, extremely nauseous, and still pretty-short tempered. I think that I was waking up on the average of three to five times a night, but the dreams, while vivid, were not a real problem. In the past two weeks since I stopped taking Chantix, I am still having difficulty paying attention and sleeping through the night. I am not nearly as tired all the time, but I am having trouble sitting still, etc. I am showing many of the classic signs of ADD, but I am not sure if this is related to quitting nicotine or if it is my natural state and the nicotine used to mitigate that. I dunno.

Anyway, here are my stats:

Highest weight: 294
Weight this morning: 197
Current size: 16